some families put the "fun" in dysfunctional ...

 ... but mine is not one of them.

I tried to head off a potential argument between my parents and ended up hurting Mom's feelings instead. I apologized for saying what I did and for hurting her feelings, and then I retreated to cry because she feels bad enough already without me piling more on. Yay guilt.

Aside: I really need to cry more. When I finally do get upset enough to cry, I lose all composure and brood for an hour, minimum. If I find a way to cry more often, each weepy session might be less debilitating.

Dad came in and tried to comfort me by saying he and Mom will be dead soon and no longer a burden to me. Two things:

1. I am not comforted by the idea of being alone in this world, with a horrible brother in prison to support (and the constant terror that he will be released before he dies), no partner, no kids, and no close friends nearby.

2. I have had that exact thought many times, and I feel guilty enough when I think it. To hear one of my parents voice it is horrifying.

I'm in a difficult situation now, yes, but I don't see losing either of them as a good thing. There's a line from the show The Crown that I think of a lot: "That's the thing about unhappiness. All it takes is for something worse to come along and you realize it was actually happiness after all." I try to tell myself that, even though it's hard to recognize happiness right now, worse will come along. I need to appreciate what I have. 

Anyhoo. No matter how I feel, I have laundry to do and a singing time to prepare. I have spent time feeling stuff, and now it's time to work. No more wallowing.

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