at least I can stop dreading it now

Back in September, I said was not looking forward to Christmas. For the most part, everything I said would happen happened. Social media is tough, because you see presents, trees, matching pajamas, and actual families getting together. The best things I experienced today were Chinese food and two naps. 

Dad talks a good fight in an attempt to make December 25 about my birthday. I appreciate his intentions. I cannot separate my birthday from Christmas in my mind, so a refusal to observe the latter just leaves me with an unprecedented sense of loss and loneliness. I managed to escape some of it yesterday by watching Man of Steel, which I think is a pretty good film, and Batman vs. Superman, which has its moments but is just weird. Even as I was thinking "This movie is so bad," at least I wasn't wallowing in my grief.

I was eating junk food and disintegrating in front of the computer, but at least I haven't succumbed to getting drunk. If I ever started drinking alcohol, I'd never stop.

Anyhoo. I'm glad for the people who have trees, matching pajamas, hugs, and presents. I used to, and it was great. But my life won't ever look like that again. I need to find ways to go forward with intention and pursue happiness, even if I never find it. Because junk food and naps are just ways to numb the pain and make time go by faster.

Off-topic: I tried oVertone's Extreme Silver color depositing conditioner yesterday. I was hoping it would tone down my natural light mousy brown and brighten all the grey/white hair. My hair is shinier today, and the brown is de-saturated, but everything is a lot darker. I look like I stuck my head in a paint can. So I'll try the lightest silver after this washes out and see what happens.

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