Surprise! It's Grief!

It's Mother's Day. Mom has been on my mind every minute today. She is most days, except when work keeps me too busy to think, or I've been able to lose myself while reading or watching something.

I just went to the kitchen to consider dinner options. I opened the fridge and started sobbing. No clue where it came from; it just hit me like a train.

I have a friend Ellie, who also works with the kids at church. Her mother died two weeks before mine. Their relationship was tough, due to her mom's abuse and undiagnosed mental illnesses. Ellie is the oldest daughter, so she did a lot of the work of raising her siblings. So her experience as a daughter was very dissimilar to mine. But she still has grief today, too.

The men took over the kids' Sunday School hour today. No classes, just playing a version of baseball with the kids' singing determining their team's progress around the bases. Neither Ellie nor I wanted to be with the women being celebrated in the church's gym, so we sat in the back of the room and sang and giggled a lot as the bishop and his counselors ran a very funny baseball game. I had a hard time getting ready and going, but I'm so glad I did.

Max, an ex-boyfriend who was my most serious candidate for husband at one point, came up and hugged me after. He and his mom had a similar dynamic as I had with Mom. His mom died just after he and I started dating, which is one reason I didn't end it a lot sooner -- I kept hoping he was adjusting to his new normal and would embrace a future with me. But he never evolved into adulthood.

I doubt I have, either, though I've done what I could to prepare for marriage. Even parenthood, though I never felt enthusiastic about having kids. But I never found anyone to experience that with.

Anyhoo. I miss my mom. Until death reunites us, she is past tense.

Sad sad sad sad sad.