The Blanket

Thoughts on depression under the cut.

I am depressed. Nothing new there, because I'm always under water, but it's been much worse than average for several days now. It's like a 50 lb. Blanket is draped over me all the time. I have very little energy because it takes everything I have to just walk and carry the Blanket. Some sensory input makes its way through the Blanket, but the satisfaction I normally get from things like good company, reading, television, and food doesn't last, so I binge on the few things I can actually focus on for any length of time.

I've known I'm depressed since I first found out what "depression" means. I sometimes think it'd be interesting to be bipolar so I'd have the occasional manic high, but then my lows would probably be even worse, so I don't want that at all. At least I'm still dragging myself to the places I need to go right now; if I got any lower, I might not be able to manage that much. Times when I have the Blanket are the only times I don't feel like I can deal with it on my own. I almost wish my body would give out in some minor way so I'd have an excuse to find a convenient dark place and just sleep for a few days. (Weeks. Something like that.)

I know the Blanket won't stay forever. It's draped itself over me before, and I've been able to drag it off myself before, too. Sometimes it stays for a few weeks, sometimes a few months. I just don't know how to get rid of it without hitting rock bottom first. I would like to figure that out, because it's inconvenient and exhausting.

This will pass eventually. It always does. I shan't harm myself in any way more drastic than I've already mentioned (too much food and television/computer watching). I just want to be rid of this blasted Blanket sooner rather than later.

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